The great men of the Bible did many things in common. The standouts to me are their perseverance & obedience. Passion is easy, faith is hard
It’s always the weeks I lead worship at our church when God does some serious work on my soul.
Worship - the weeks I play the role of “worship leader” are always the hardest for me emotionally and spiritual. Or maybe exhausting is the right word?
There is always a turning and churning in my soul these weeks - God preparing me for the weekend? Or maybe conviction?
Whatever it is, God’s hand is on it. And it works out great!
There are two forms of worship that I struggle in, and two that I excel in:
I am good at musically leading worship and lamenting. Heck, I am so good at lamenting. David and I are one in the same when it comes to whininess.
My struggles? Forgiveness and Love. These two go hand, and if you can tell from the rest of my blog posts, these are constants that God pushes on me.
Forgiveness and Love.
So, by His strength, I am able to (hopefully) renew two great friendships. And so far, so good. It is His Spirit that acts through me, enabling and distributing a Grace demonstrated like that on the Cross. And by that same strength, they are able to forgive me in return.
Thanks God!
It’s a weight lifted off my shoulders.
I was listening to several sermons this week. All of which have bombarded my brain.
I’ve compiled them into my brain, ready to share with you, the journey my heart has been and what the Spirit has spoken to me.
Within the first year of falling in love with Christ, a story was read to me long ago… it was a parallel between the ancient Jewish ritual of marriage and the cross. (like here)
Ever since then, I have such a great appreciate for marriage done right. As in, one lived for the soul purpose of Christ, and reflecting the love and Grace of Christ.
Here’s where more parallels between marriage and our relationship with Christ exist…
Within our first year of knowing Christ we are on fire. (If you’re a Christian, you probably know what that means)
Our struggle with our sin becomes effortless because of this new found love we have found with Christ.
We make these vows and promises to God.
I will never be the same way again.
I will love Jesus more than anything EVER, FORever!
And as time goes on… the sin we thought we got rid off… the sin we used to struggle with, crawls back into our lives. Slowly.
Sometimes we say “Why the heck am I struggling with this again?! Didn’t I get rid of this? Isn’t this no longer my problem?”
Or sometimes we notice and refuse to do anything… The sin grows and we become a fraud.
Let’s look at marriage.
As we look into the eyes of our loved one, we make a few promises to them…
I vow to love and cherish you…
Through sickness and in health… ‘til death do us part.
Even in the smallest ways, we break these vows. We’re good at them at first, and then all of a sudden… you make the person you love feel SO terrible about themselves over and over… just to build yourself up.
Or in dating… Like my last post. When you start dating and you and your “person” are awesome to one another!
Then a year goes by…
Then two years go by…
and all of a sudden, you’re fighting constantly. All of a sudden you realize how much you would NOT want to date yourself.
Would the person from day one of that courtship be ashamed?
Do you see the vicious cycle?
We make these promises to God. Over and over again. “Repenting” and meaning it at the time, just to fail again.
We become frauds. Phonies. Hypocrites.
We get tied up in our failed marriages, relationships.
We get stuck.
We have broken our vows.
Again.
Grace is something I cannot understand for the life of me. The fact that God gives Grace to us… we don’t have to bargain with Him like we do with parking tickets.
He just gives.
I don’t know where all this is going… I truly don’t. This is all a word/ brain vomit spewing into my blog.
But here’s what God has taught me… with all the parallels.
Through my relationship with Blake.
Through my lonliness these past couple months.
He is faithful. He keeps His vows.
It’s the constant reality and a genuinely thankful heart that drives our hearts deeper into Him as time goes on.
Repentance.
It’s knowing the God I worship. It’s knowing the reality of the Cross.
It’s knowing that no one, and not a thing compare to the Love of Christ.
And He sees through my sin.
Even as I stray and run, and break my vows over and over again…
He demonstrates His love…
He’ll do it through the most painful of circumstances too.
I lost a best friend.
I lost a lot of friends…
I felt like I was losing my boyfriend.
When I thought the common denominator was me. I realized otherwise… It was God.
His hand on those situations - pulling me back to Himself and the reality that
They
Could
Not
Satisfy
My
Soul.
I am the adulterous bride. I have broken vows. I have broken promises.
But I like a new life, day after day.
And I have a God that loves me.
I will not live in sin, but in response to His love.
Happiness is fleeting, but today (right now) I am head over heals happy! Happy doesn’t sound good enough for this feeling.
He is Point Loma, and I am at work in East County. But after a good talk last night, good prayer, and a good two weeks to go ‘til he moves home - I can’t help but think that things are finally going in the right direction. FINALLY!
We talked about our purpose in life and as a team/ couple - and our purpose was the same for both: live for the Kingdom. Move for the Kingdom.
And when that happens - when our lives and relationship are completely surrendered to His will, then the Spirit will move through us - producing those fruits that are vital, and selfless.
I think a lot of the time, we get wrapped up in this world, which is true, but I mean in the smallest of ways… Sure we don’t drink, or smoke, or whatever legalistic thing we’ve convinced ourselves makes us “Out of this world” - but there are little sin natures we forget about…
For example: Me. Even now and then I give off this “crazy girlfriend” vibe. Be it because of depression, emotional abuse from past circumstances, and unhealed wounds that continue to haunt me… that’s only a piece of the puzzle.
More than that, there is a fulfillment I crave from Mr. Blake Herrington. And as we learn from scripture and women of God, that’s all too impossible.
A man will fail you. He will disappoint you. And if you do what I did: going through the relationship selfishly, then you will ALWAYS be disappointed.
I put God on the back burner and had such a worldly view of a relationship. Courting, marriage, happily ever after.
I can’t help but think whether or not Jesus would scoff at that. Whether He’d be sweet about it, or be absolutely appalled that I chose a man of this earth over Him. That’s what I did, didn’t I?
Thank God, He showed met he light. It’s not about marriage and happily ever after (although marriage is God given and a gift). It’s about being a team for the Kingdom!
It’s about practicing, and learning to love like Christ loved us. And it’s about changing lives through the power of the Holy Spirit.
That’s what our ENTIRE lives are about. Solely for the Kingdom. Seeking first the Kingdom.
In every way possible.
Thanks God.
Pathways AM Services - Recorded from iPhone
I cannot remember the last time I cut, or was tempted to the point of cutting.
Praise God for His protection, love, grace, and the Strength and life that He breathed into me.
I honestly would not be here today if it weren’t for His pursuit of me.
Thank you Lord.
She is being renovated. Renewed. Her Spirit sings songs of praise and suddenly, her breath warms and her corpse is alive again.
This is a journey. A story. An attitude. The process of clay being molded - molded into someone worthy of His calling.
Of how Christ is moving. In the darkest of nights, and the brightest light of day.
He is moving. And here is the aftermath.
